


Home is whenever I'm with you

by SpicyCheese



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, mostly internal musings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 01:33:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10526112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpicyCheese/pseuds/SpicyCheese
Summary: A short snippet about what 'home' has meant to Lena over the years, and what it means now. Mostly character study/internal musings.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be part of something much longer but I broke it off and made it its own thing. Unbeta'd (someone save me from my rampant overuse of commas or other errors). Enjoy!

*_*_*_*_*

 

Home has never been a place. For Lena, it was always more of a feeling, something experienced on those rare occasions when the stars align and things felt _right_. It’s a sensation and a touchstone, something to remind herself that she really could be okay and that she is more than the way the world makes her feel.

Since Home is a feeling, it is always fleeting and near impossible to replicate. Rather than chase it, she learned to simply savor the moment, to breath in deeply, then exhale and let go. (Why get attached to something that’s bound leave you?) She acknowledges those feelings were real though. She reminds herself often that even though it’s been years since she’s felt it, she did at one time. At one time, she felt at Home in her skin. At one time she felt okay.

One of those times Home was the feel of the velvety fabric of her teddy bear's nose. She used to rub her thumb over it as a child when she was nervous or scared. She got the bear while she was in her second foster home and the soft texture of its chocolate brown nose served as reminder that she wasn’t invisible. That she was real, that she actually existed. That she wasn't just a 'case' to be talked about by the adults in charge around her. When she was adopted by the Luthors, the bear was taken _(“There’s no place for such childish things here”)_ The feeling of Home left with it, but the memory and knowledge of it stayed with her.

Another time, Home was the taste of the Shepherd’s pie from at pub down the street from her boarding school. Lena wasn't one to run away from her problems but sometimes she did need a break. So on those nights she’d climb out the window, down the tree, and head to The Laughing Goat. The woman behind the bar would eye her wearily as she brought the piping hot meal over, but never said a thing.

Lena didn’t normally eat much- something about feeling weighed down never settled right with her- but pie on those few nights was the exception. She’d savor the experience of something warm and heavy and solid in her gut, because sometimes the only way she could stop that empty achy feeling inside was is to fill it with something real. Sometimes you need to ground yourself.

Home was also the engineering lab at Ivy University (or, at least it was from the hours of midnight to 4 am). That late at night, there was nothing but her and the scratch of her pencil as she jotted notes and sketched prototypes. She could hear herself think and feel safe enough to listen. She could operate without interjections of doubt (whether external or internal). She could be the person she wanted to, limitless for once, and unsaddled with expectation

No matter the circumstance, Home was always a booster shot of reassurance. It was the idea that maybe she was something meant to be after all, something worthy and good. It was a feeling of belonging in this world - no matter how seldom or fleeting- that fueled her to keep going.

These flitting experiences were never tangible. Once gone she couldn’t retrieve them or revisit them so their absence was never a loss, because it was never something she could have. Perhaps that’s why this new development frightens her so much: This time Home isn’t a sensation or an experience- it's a person.

Kara Danvers is a whole person that feels like Home.

Home has never been a feeling of comfort, not protection or shelter. It's a spear in her hand. A weapon, and ally. It’s a tool that reminds her that she can overcome and continue on and should. By that same token, Kara isn't a blanket to swaddle Lena up in; She's the Sun; something warm that makes Lena feel energized, powerful, like she is worth something. Like she can do anything. Instantly upon meeting, Lena was pulled into her orbit and has no designs on trying to escape it.

It’s so different, having Home be something tangible, something real and identifiable that exists outside of herself. Suddenly Home is a totem she can carry with her for once. At the same time, now it IS something she could lose. Any day now, any moment, Kara could wake up and realize what she herself has heard most of her life: Lena Luthor isn’t worth it.

Home has also always meant Hope too though. Hope that maybe things could be this good. That maybe they _should_ be this good, and it’s not just some fluke, some statistical anomaly. Despite everything she’s been through, Lena still clings to Hope whenever she can. Hope that maybe, just maybe, this feeling could last. That she could love and be loved, and it might be okay. Everyday that passes now, makes that Hope stronger. Someday, she might just believe it’s true.

“Hellooooooo! Earth to Lena,” Kara grins, waving a hand in front of Lena’s face. “You ready?”

Lena blinks herself back to the present moment and smiles because, as hard as it is to believe, _this_ is her reality for once. She takes the offered hand, laces their fingers together and sighs deeply, relaxes into the moment. The feeling.

“I’m ready. Let’s go home.”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 


End file.
